Hydromisia

Trust me, I’m not afraid of water. That would be aquaphobia. Not hydrophobia, mind you, which, for some watered-down reason, is a distinct symptom of rabies.

I just don’t like the bland tasteless stuff very much. Which I call hydromisia. Oh sure, I’ll admit, there are times when I actually fear it. Waves for instance. Vertical water is an affront to God and gravity. And let’s not overlook the very basic fact that you can’t breathe the stuff. You’d have to be an absolute idiot not to be afraid of something that can fill up your lungs and kill you. It’s called drowning. And unless you are looking for an absolutely horrible way to end your life, it is not to be recommended.

For the most part though, water just pisses me off. On a trip to the beach for instance, I’m confronted by the six S’s: sand, salt, sharks, seaweed, sewage, and surf. Not one of these hazards would you face in a cornfield in Iowa but for some reason people absolutely flock to the beach, while the Tourist Bureau in Des Moines goes begging for business. 

That’s because I think we are just plain water wacky. Eight 8 oz. glasses a day?! Are you insane?! Do you have any idea where that stuff has been?! Every drop of the stuff, before it ever gets to your gullible gullet, has been through billions of bladders. Not millions but billions. Of creatures great and small. That gulp of plastic incased, over marketed, overpriced stuff that you slug down at the gym, at one point came whizzing out of a T-Rex or more recently from under the upraised leg of Rex the Wonder Dog. And if that’s not enough to give you pause, it is exactly the same stuff that right now is just sitting around in the bottom of your toilet, just waiting for another run through a sewage treatment plant (or so we’re told) before it ends up in the aforementioned plastic bottle, that has the half-life of plutonium. 

Look it up:  It’s called the water cycle. And if you ask me, it should be called the sucker cycle. Because it has been around forever and watching any good Dracula movie should tell you that you should never trust anything that refuses to die. Good heavens, you can kill yourself by drinking too much of it!  The fact is, you can die much faster by drinking too much of it than not drinking any of it at all. It’s called water toxemia. That, if nothing else, should tell you the damn stuff is just plain wrong. And don’t get me going about rust! Never trust anything that eats steel for breakfast. And sweat and piss?! Isn’t it obvious that your body is just trying to get rid of the God damn stuff as fast as you keep pumping it in? 

You only have to look at the language to seize the common sense of hydro abstention. Using the most cognitive part of your body as a battering ram let’s dive right into a few examples. If we really think that water is so good for us, why is the language replete with phrases such as 

Water hazard

Watered down

He’s wet behind the ears

She’s all washed up  

He washed out

Pissing in the wind 

That boat won’t float

You’re all wet

Under water

Rain on my parade

Water over the dam

Waterboarding

Chinese water torture

Not a positive thought amongst them. 

In your poor waterlogged mind, you are probably wondering how a true hydromisiac gets along in this water wacky world. He probably stinks, you’re thinking. A common misconception. Think about it. If you don’t drink water, you don’t sweat. And if you don’t sweat, you don’t stink. Voila! Bathing becomes an uncomfortable but tolerable seasonal activity. Much like rotating the tires on your car. 

But what about drinking, you query? Good question. I find I do quite nicely with a combination of Chardonnay, bourbon and Diet Doctor Pepper. There is of course water remaining in all three but the alcohol in the first two and the special artificial chemicals in the Diet Doctor Pepper help negate the harmful natural properties in the water. With due diligence, I manage to keep my intake of the bland tasteless stuff down to about a cup a month. After all, taking your vitamins with a shot of bourbon would be just plain crazy.

Thank God humankind’s misguided relationship with water is finally coming to an end. In the face of rising sea levels and floods, Elon Musk is building a fleet of spaceships that will take us to Mars; a planet, that as far as we know, does not have one single drop of liquid water on it. I always thought he was just an idiot, but I now applaud Elon as a true visionary and fellow hydromisiac.