Cruise To Nowhere

AUGUST 23,2035–

DAY ONE—Jeannie and I got on board uneventfully. There were just three restrained passengers on our flight to Memphis and just two active shooter incidents at the dock. Because we were Elite Cruisers we got to pass right through the Covid Zeta XV screening unchecked. It was a breeze! Once onboard we passed on the mandatory lifeboat drill. Boring! The damn thing is unsinkable! More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY TWO— The Colossus is everything we hoped it would be. 400 passengers, 4,000 crew. Our suite is 26 floors above the water. We could have had a meeting of the entire Beverly Hills Water Allocation Committee on our veranda! And Enrique, Maria, Mohammed (Can you believe it?) Ling and Bantu, our suite staff, are a marvel! They fold washcloths into swans, leave sativa filled chocolate candies on our pillows, hand plumped, no less, and Ling gives a mean massage! I told you guys you should have joined us! More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY THREE— Heading down the Mississippi Inland Sea. Must admit we expected boring and got it. If you’ve seen one refugee mega raft you’ve seen them all. Jeannie, bless her heart, threw pillow candies over the side for the children to dive for. Passed over New Orleans. Not much to see. Bummer. Neither Jeannie or I are much good at snorkeling and our experience over Saint Mark’s square in Venice in the glass bottom boat left us a little bored. More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY FOUR—Had a good day at the casino! Won $107,000 on the dollar slots! “Cruisers aren’t losers!” has always been my motto! That should pay for at least half of our bar bill! LOL! Jeannie has, of course, been checking out the shopping malls on board. There are three. A word about our cruise. It’s a “Cruise to Nowhere”. Sure, we’ve done a couple of “Underwater Cities” itineraries before. Miami, Athens to Venice, for instance. But on this cruise, we’re just exploring what’s left of the Caribbean Islands and enjoying the multiple wonderful shipboard amenities! It must be our sense of adventure! More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY FIVE— Passed what’s left of Cuba on our starboard side. Havana’s gone, of course. All those great old cars! Bummer. Now just a bunch of mountains sticking out of the Gulf of Mexico with a bunch of homeless camps speaking Spanish around their base and a bunch of people swimming out to the boat. As if we would stop. Jeannie threw a few candies overboard. If it weren’t for the oil platforms there would be nothing interesting to look at. More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY SIX— Interesting incident today. Jeannie threw a chocolate pillow candy to a Haitian kid swimming out to the boat. Hit him smack in the forehead! He sank like a stone! Bummer! I guess even a pillow candy from 26 stories up pack a punch. Hope his friends got him. More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY SEVEN— More about the ship. There’s an Influencer Only bar (250,000 followers minimum), two real freshwater parks and four helicopters available for Elite Cruisers, to view illegals on their mega-rafts and the spectacularly colorful floating plasticbergs. The fun just keeps coming on and on aboard the Colossus! More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY EIGHT— Heard about another supposed “Big Burp” of methane in Siberia. Feedback loops my ass! Let’s face it, if I wanted to see ice, all I have to do is go to anyone of the 27 bars on board. Jeannie bought a Snow Leopard coat at the Endangered Store today. Even had a “Possibly Extinct” label! She looks great in it! More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY NINE— Did I tell you guys about the incredible Captain’s dinner we had last night? We actually had blue fin tuna! The God dammed Japanese are paying five million dollars a fish for one of these!  We both had seconds! Spent the entire $107,000 slot winnings on a bottle of Helsinki Lafite Vineyards ‘29 that was worth every penny! I told you you should have come along with us. More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY TEN— Three active shooter incidents and an outbreak of an unknown virus reported today down in the crew decks. The only dark moment in our day however was hearing from Stan that the water had stopped flowing all together in Beverly Hills! Bummer! We will have to look into this as soon as we get back. Until then all our best wishes to all of our neighbors back home. More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY ELEVEN— Jeannie and I wanted all of you to know that we plan to bring back as much desalinated water as the porters can carry.  The ship makes tons of it. Just don’t know how much the airlines are going to let us check through baggage. Love to you all. More to follow. Love Dick.

DAY TWELVE— About that water. . .wouldn’t count on it. It seems we’ve hit a plasticberg and I’ll be damned if the damn thing didn’t rip a hole in our hull! Bummer. Turns out there aren’t nearly enough lifeboats for everyone! Another bummer. Probably should have gone to the lifeboat drill. But we were supposed to be unsinkable, and no one wanted a lifeboat in front of their cabin window, so it looks like we’re going for a little dip! LOL! How bad could it be? The water’s hot, (Can you get hyperthermia?), there won’t be any sharks, (all dead), Jeannie has her snow leopard coat pockets filled with pillow candies and I’m sure we’ll get picked up by a mega raft. One just drifted by us and managed to pick up our entire suite staff but then they just kept going! Jeannie had even thrown them some pillow candies!  Bummer. Hope more to follow. Love Dick.