THE BIG MOVE

Moving sucks.

Consequently, it’s safe to say most of us will move as little as possible, given that we are all creatures of habit, moving is change, and change is the biggest enemy of habit.

So, we avoid moving at all costs, unless, of course, there is some obvious large benefit involved, a new job, a new partner, or a new warrant out for our arrest, for instance.

So, it is with some pride that I can report I have just successfully made the biggest move of my life.

A big move. A big move of less than 3 feet.

I have just successfully moved my wife and I from a king bed into two twins.

You gasp in amazement at the magnitude of my endeavor. I bask in your awe. Even the moving man who, with an assistant hauled away our massive king mattress pulled me aside and whispered, “How the fuck you ever convince her to do it?”

And there lies the rub. Everyone knows that single mattress cohabitation is convenient for sex, but it sucks for sleep. After all, “sleeping together” is synonymous for sex, not slumber. We all know this, but women especially have been brainwashed into thinking “sleeping together” is “romantic” instead of downright impossible.

“You don’t love me anymore!,” my wife had exclaimed.

I had a rejoinder for this much anticipated concern. “Love is you never having to say you’re sorry for punching me in the nose in the middle of the night.” When in doubt, go for the guilt.

A cheap shot, but it worked.

Now, we both now sleep like babies, except for those nights when I tip toe across those 3 feet and I hear a low throaty chuckle in the night.

“Uh oh, Big Boy’s making the big move.”

Sure beats getting punched in the nose.