HYPERBOLE AND ME

I thought I was drowning. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Now the unvarnished truth of the matter was that some Dr. Pepper had gone down the wrong pipe and I chocked a little bit but who am I to deny a listener the thrill of participating in a near life ending experience? Who am I to burden some poor soul with the tedious recounting  of my miss- swallowing when I can just as easily bring some life or death excitement into their humdrum lives with just a soupçon of embellishment?

As my dear wife would say  “Doc never met an inch that’s he didn’t claim was a mile.”

My life long love affair with hyperbole is so much more than a selfish attempt at self aggrandizement. I feel the commonplace exaggerations of the little man are beneath me. Do we really believe the obviously five foot seven man who claims to be 6 feet? Or the over photoshopped influencer really has flawless skin? Of course not. But more to the point what is their motivation in telling us such bold face lies? Is it, in the end, for our benefit? I think not. They embellish and exaggerate  to deceive. To shamelessly puff themselves up.

I, on the other hand, use the fine art of hyperbole as an art form  to enhance the drab reality of mere facts, to entertain rather than just elucidate, to bring joy and excitement to those less fortunate than myself. After all the dictionary definition of hyperbole is “exaggerated statements or claims not  to be taken literally”.  So when I tell you I have an IQ of over 200, I of course, don’t mean to be taken literally. I’m merely “varnishing” the truth a little bit, selflessly allowing you to gain stature by telling all your friends about the fascinating man you just met.

I guess for me it all comes down to why cry “Cocker Spaniel!”  when it’s just as easy to cry “Wolf!”?  I’m just  trying to get more bang for my verbal buck.  Where’s the harm in that, I ask you? After all is said and done, you know, I know, you know, we all know, that I’m full of shit but in this age of fake news and spin my flights of factual fantasy are never meant to deceive or be taken literally. They are merely the selfless acts of a man who never met a truth that wasn’t worth stretching or an inch that wan’t at heart a mile just waiting for me to come along.